Great excitement (well, among everyone assuming the Künstlername or non-de-plume Vogel von Neustadt anyway) in the nasty little local Tesco's this morning. (Company Motto: we put your real shops out of business and then feed on the rotting carcass of society muuahahahahahahah, surrender Earthling!) "Why the excitement, Vogel?" I fail to hear you ask. Because Müller, that Porsche, or at least VW (better models only) of portable pudding design, has a new line called Amoré Luxury Yogurt. It's got cute, quality looking packaging and even comes packed in its 12s or 18s or whatever in pretend wooden trays to help make it look all ethnic and homemade. (The wood in question being from the typical Bavarian tree known as Pappkarton or "cardboard" but hey.) I wept at the thought of the red, rough, loving, peasant hands that carefully placed these yoghurts therein as the Alpenglocken tolled on the Alpenmoomoos just outside the, er, Alpenyogfabrik in, ahem, Market Drayton.
Anyway. This is clearly a classy product and I did several backflips, and a little fonkay dance move I've been developing, in sheer delight at the lovely vision of this new line. Mmmmmmm, sounds lovely, what have we got ... Walnut and Greek Honey ... yeah babay ... Spanish Orange ... yummm ... HANG ON A MINUTE WHERE'S THE STRAWBERRY????
Where is the Müller Amoré luxury yogurt strawberry flavour? What is going on here? Strawberry is BY DEFINITION a luxury flavour, of course there has to be one. You cannot have a luxury line with no strawberry, it's like having a Roller with no cigar lighter (oops simile-puke-alert).
Look Herr Müller. We go back a long way. Ever since we sold your grandfather part of the lower pasture for your first small herd of cattle, back in, what was it, '23, we've kept a paternal, nay patronizing, eye on the fortunes of your tiny dairy and its handful of rosy-cheeked employees. We don't want this to turn unpleasant and we certainly don't want anyone asking too many awkward questions about what the yoghurt tankers carry on the return trip, do we Hans? So GET THE STRAWBERRY ONE OUT NOW AND ROUND TO TESCO'S PRETTY D*MNED QUICK OR THERE WILL BE SERIOUS AGGRAVATION SUNNY JIM.
In the meantime, I am going to teach Müller a lesson for their verdammte insolence by refusing to eat the delicious-looking Walnut and Greek Honey one. I know just how harmful a boycott like this can be - especially from a public figure such as like what I am - but I am going to just tough it out till they cave in and do the right thing. I am strong, I am resolute. I am woman. Or something.
Onwards and upwards!
Ratings:
Defiant Vogel stands alone, spoon in hand, raging against the night sky: 11
Apart from that: 0
Overall: 0
PS It was delicious (see later entries). Bring on the strawberry!
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