How to get your day off to a really great start (yes Tamsin I am being sarcastic here)

1. Go swimming, per normal routine.
2. While changing, open briefcase and look for swimming bag.
3. Discover swimming bag not there.
4. Have perfectly clear vision of where swimming bag is. Where is it Colin? It is on my desk, between the printer and the radio.
5. Try to remain calm while internally voicing major displeasure at own stupidity.
6. (gnah! wagghh! ungghh!!)
7. Nude swimming is not on my personal agenda at this point. There is no evidence to suggest that the gym would greatly welcome it either. Check I am actually awake. Oh good, I am, that's a few pitfalls avoided.
8. Decide to have shower anyway, otherwise whole day is messed up.
9. Realize padlock is in swimming bag so locker cannot be locked. (Realize previous sentence contains "lock" too many times.) (Realize I don't care right now. Lock lock clock blocky flock. Ha! See?)
10. Go and have shower lasting 4.3 seconds in case at this very moment dishonest gym users, feral children (gnah! wagghh! ungghh!!), disillusioned and mentally unstable war veterans (don't push me!) etc, have discovered unlocked locky locker and are currently stealing Wretched Young Persons' Portable Phonogram, disrupting my collection of broken pencils, an ting.
11. At 3.7 seconds realize they are probably also messing around with my little computer and hence depriving the world of a million blog-o-rants. Dash back after the least satisfying shower in the history of showering. (This also breaks 468 EU hygiene regulations and renders me liable to arrest, special rendition, questions In Da House, etc.)
12. Strangely, no-one is actually going through my stuff right now. Indeed it's all pretty deserted, much as I left it. Lucky I got back in time then, eh?
13. Get dried and dressed, look in briefcase for office keys.
14. Discover swimming bag in there, now perfectly obvious.
15. See 5. But more so.
16. See 6.
17. See 6.
18. See 6.
19. See 6.
20. See 6.
21. Go off in strop.